What have you given to your kids?

Given the opportunity to work with kids from many different background let me see many different types of parents. I am writing from the angle that I can see.

I realize how our kids turn out are all go back to their parents? Or to be fair, lets say 80% of parents’ responsibility and 20% of the kids’ responsibility.

I once read that “if a kid doesn’t understand your explanation, then it’s your fault, if you explain it again and he/she still doesn’t get it, it’s still your fault.” This means if we try hard enough to understand him/her, we will find the right way to get through them. And this is normally true.

I have asked a parent to find a new teacher for her kid, as I have tried so many different ways but I still saw no improvement. Thus the suggestion… First the feeling of failure was haunting me, but to be honest many other students actually have shown improvement, so I let go and put more energy to those whom I can help. ALL of the time, even kids who are studying the same topic will need a different approach to get them to master that topic. The approach must suit them, it must complement their weaknesses and most of the time with a little reward and scolding to motivate them =D

So the question is what types of parents have I seen?

1. Parents who pity the kids and want the kids to have an easy life.

Majority of parents I met fall into this category. Pressure comes from all directions, government, society, friends or even the parents themselves. With all of those pressures (good grades, good clothing, good toys, good image), many parents are unintentionally spoiling their kids. What have they done?

- Sending them to all types of tuition without really considering the use. Some tuitions even make things worst. What it teaches the kids are going to harm them in the long run that’s learning without understanding (something that I have been through). Sometimes, the kids were sent just because the other kids are attending the same tuition. So it’s ‘peer-pressure’, Singaporean calls it “kia su.” Many times, I have to remind my kids that having a tutor is so that they can learn more, not merely to get a passing grade at school. And many times, the kids find this idea ridiculous, because this idea is new to them. They aren’t told about that.

- Giving them the wrong toys. Have seen many parents would rather spend millions of rupiah on a teddy bear than an educational toy that will cost them half!

- When the parents are informed that the kids would need to do some activities that would be useful for the development of their brain (and even given the example of activities or learning materials that will help), their response is either: “Yeah… I know she is very weak at that.” And then there is no action to strengthen what is weark or “No, he is actually very good at it. At home, he can do this, this and this…” So, there is No action required for what is thought to be good enough already. In short, NO ACTION!

- These parents understand how much pressure the kids have, how tired the kids are running from one activity to another, so they will try to help them in other things like: preparing the stationery that they will need at school, help them take out the books they will need, help them sharpen their pencils, feed them, help them put back things that they have used, etc. This result in a very dependent kid! For me, this is not a very good idea.

2. Parents who weigh the use of everything given to the kids.

I see a few of this type of parents. They are not many in the place where I live. These parents resist peer pressure. They will spend more time than money for the kids. They really monitor what is good for the kids and leave out what’s not. By spending more time with the kids, the kids who are raised by these parents are more polite. (Attention: Parents should know that no matter how much money you spend on a kid, it doesn’t guarantee they will turn out as you want them to be. If you want them to turn out alright, then you should show them how “Alright” is and you gotta do it YOURSELF!”

The best thing about these parents is that they go through the trouble to teach the little skills that are thought to be less important such as buttoning their shirt, put on their clothes, the correct use of scissors, etc. You will be surprised to know how these little skills have ‘produced’ a more independent kid with better self-esteem.

That’s what I see for the past 2 years. It’s sad to see how kids actually can improve if the parents are more attentive, more willing to spend ‘quality’ time with their kids, but they choose not and trusted that privilege fully to an outsider, so called ‘teacher’!

The idea for this post is initiated during my conversation with my mom. Dad and Mom have given me a lot, one of them is education. Other than that, it’s trust! Here the conversation goes:

I was telling her that my friends are coming over on Thursday and that we will have a sleepover at our house that night. I mentioned about watching movie and joking about drinking. She then said “yeah… finish the two bottles of beer left and your black label, just don’t touch my DOM.” That’s funny. Because when we talk about drinking, shouldn’t mom be reminding me about sellf-control? But she didn’t. She trusts me enough that I can take care of myself and I guess that trust is there because I have done well so far that I deserve that. With that kind of trust and love, how can I disappoint her?

What have you given your kids?