The person I want to be and NOT want to be

Dealing with certain people make me realize the person I want to be and the person I will try my hardest NOT to be.

This is a reminder to myself. I hope in 10 to 30 years from now, I will look back at this post and hope that I do not stray off course.

I WANT to be a person that always be grateful of the little good things that others have done for me. ALL THE little things, including, accepting the offer to serve me a bowl of soup and I want to always say THANK YOU for those thoughtful act.

I DO NOT WANT to be the person who is unappreciative of the things that others have done for me, even though it maybe not exactly what I want, but if I know that they do it out of good intention, I will accept it with an open heart! Because that what lifts people up! The opposite puts people down and make others not want to do anything else for us. Example: If someone is dying to share their most favorite food with me, I will devour it and for that one time NOT insist on my own preference and put down theirs. We can always have our own "good food" some other time, so much time for that. The fact that others want us to have a taste of their favorite things should be a sign of love and that is priceless. So, Appreciation is the least we can give them in return.

I WANT to be the person who is easy to deal with, like my dad and mom. They are just happy about almost anything that we do for them. It is so easy to buy them gifts, foods, or even take them anywhere. They will use the things that you buy them, they will give the foods that we bought them a try (and decide if it is good or not later on), they will have a good time whenever you take them to. Looking at how our efforts are appreciated makes us want to do more for them.

I DO NOT WANT to be a person who is difficult to deal with. I learn that someone who is picky about food is not a good companion to be with. There is a difference between personal value and being picky. Some of my friends are vegetarian, so we respect their choice of life and we will go to vegetarian restaurant and have a good time together. Come on!!! We have so many other days to enjoy non vegetarian meals! However there are some people whom we take to a good place for Soto or Indonesian yellow soup (that we know they like) and still unable to satisfy them, throwing out comment like "Prawn Soto is not good, chicken and beef Soto are more common" (with the unsatisfied "face"), "I do not like this", "I am always picky." GOSH! ?

I WANT TO communicate kindly to others. When we are happy about something it is easy to praise (although some people still find it difficult to say the kind words and always find a way to put down others, I DO NOT WANT to be that type of person), what more difficult is when we are in disagreement or unhappy about things. However, I have seen people who can manage those kind words even when we know from their face that they just try to be appreciative and do not want to discourage us. Towards these group of people, it always encourages me to do better for them. My dad is a good example. For Conventional Older Chinese Folks, Pizza may not always be their favorite. Given the option, they might prefer those comfort food like Chinese noodle, dumpling, Nasi Padang etc. Once, my sis and I took our parents to the Pizza Restaurant. They finish all the food, no waste, but we can tell that dad is not a fan of Pizza. However, when asked, he will say "It's good." Know him well we asked "Wanton Noodle is better than Pizza, isn't it?" He smiled and nodded. We know what to do next. However, from time to time we always try to share with them the food that we like, such as: Japanese Sushi, Korean food, or whatever available in town. There are times that they can't stop telling us that the food is good and of course it is all over their face and will gladly order much more for them! That is so rewarding.

Most WOMAN do this from time to time; We keep quiet and hope for people around to 'get' the unhappy vibe that we sent out and hoping for others to understand and be emphatic towards us. Most of the time others do not get what we are trying to convey in that "sour-y" face. I learnt this for the past few weeks and find that irritating. Thus, I DO NOT WANT to be that kind of person. I will say what I want and not want, again kindly! However, I really have to be thankful of my partner and family that they have been so patient towards me. I have to thank the person who have shown this irritating behavior ALL the time too. The person has made me realize of WHAT NOT to be.

Lastly, about being thrifty and a penny-pincher. I have seen my mom saves from nothing until she and dad can finally give the family a comfortable life, good education to their children (something they do not have before), and a decent roof above the family's head. I do not understand why she did that before. Growing up, I had lots of want as part of peer pressure. Branded stuff in small kampung is only in the level of "Adidas", "Nike" and friends, never to the extend of "LV", "Chanel" and friends. But at times, although I know we can afford it, my mom still didn't always grant my wish, most of the time the reason is that because I had already had an existing that still works just fine. Now, I know why. It is not about being a penny-pincher, but it is about prioritizing what is important. For them, when it comes to learning, my parents had never said no. I attended Sempoa class, Piano class, Mandarin Class, English Class, Taekwando, and all other classes that our small town can offer. It was always a YES! from them. When they struggle to afford my education (for some it is not much money), they sell their comfortable air-conditioned car to send me to school that give me bigger opportunity to see the world with a much more open minded attitude.

Lastly about being thrifty and being a penny-pincher. For me, "no food go to waste" discipline is not about being a cheapskate. I do it because I think about those people who has nothing to eat. So for me, now that I have something to fill the stomach, I want to be grateful about it, appreciate it. Of course, I do it whenever I can. When I can't, I won't. There was one time, that I left the food that I had cooked and the rat which is up for ANYTHING came and had it tasted before the human did. I have to throw it all away, because I know rats are dirty and I do not want to risk being ill by sharing food with them. However, whenever I cooked more than we need in one meal, it is normally because I can keep it and eat it the next day and I WILL eat it. So, it has nothing to do with being a penny-pincher and I do not appreciate people throwing my food away.

Oh yeah, it is not easy to plan perfectly to avoid food that ends up in the dustbin. But it is much more difficult when you have to keep throwing food away everyday. I would rather put my head into the planning of how much should I cook than being an 'efficient' person that throws food away, because that is EASY!

Please also differentiate people who are being Thrifty and Prudent to those who are a penny-pincher to the extend that know only to take advantage of others.

Oh yeah, I am now careful about spending because I want to create a comfortable life for our little family in the future. But I have never take advantage of others, never want to! I know how hard my partner works super hard and I appreciate it by saving it so that at the end of the year we can travel and enjoy ourselves, by the right time come, we can also to start a family for real comfortably without relying on others. I do not see the need to compete with others let alone impress others and no one can make me do it. I have seen my family and friends who really have something are normally humble and do not boast. And I have seen those who boast actually are empty inside, and they can only fool the fools. Opps! I am not joining the club!

Sorry for the ranting... For the past two weeks, I have been made realize of how I want to be and how I don't want to be as a human being. Phew~

Half A Year

It has been six months since our wedding. We finally do not call ourselves newly wed and he doesn't introduce me as his "new wife", just "wife". =D

People say first 3 months is honeymoon period. For us it is quite true, that's when I just first move to Bali and enjoying my "downtime" with no work (after last few crazy months juggling work and wedding preparation last year), that's when the industry he is working in was in its slow period. So, no pressure in life and it is something that people called as bed full of roses. Then, I started having enough with down time and wanting to get back in action (unfortunately finding the ideal one isn't always easy), and for him, work is starting to get crazy. That's when as individual we were dealing with our own stuff and affect us as an "us". First quarrel in our marriage life had finally taken place, and I am glad that we got through it. At the end of each quarrel, we normally find out the truth isn't always as bad as our assumption that get us into the quarrel mode.

I am learning so much here. I am someone who is impatient. I see unfinished stuff, I will deal with it until it is done. I like to start things and get them finish as fast as possible. I set goals and I would like to achieve it fast. I found that this kind of spirit is good in a way, but has its many drawbacks in many ways. It often drains me, physically. And when someone is tired, you know how they get irritated quickly over the tiniest matters. In marriage life, patience is the best of friend that we have to make. So I am learning.

He is learning too. He has always been a very hardworking man and takes his work seriously. It is what makes me fall in love with him in the first place (we always like people who talk about his work with shining eyes, don't we?), but it has its drawback too. Anxious about doing his job well (especially the new position he is taking on), he has been working 12 hours or more daily and come back home still reading articles to improve his knowledge about this new field he is in. Human is not designed for that long hour kind of work. At one point, that person will crack. I made this known to him, so that he didn't get lost in the process when trying to excel in work. I want him to realize that many other important things to in life. I can see him trying too here.

For me, I can't stress this enough, to the people whom I work with now when they would like me to commit more of my time to work, I make it known that my family comes first now. I want to work and will definitely give my very best in it, as simple as coming home preparing dinner and make the house Home(!) for us. I would like to recreate the family I come from where dinner time is bonding time. Eating out is good, but home cooked food has its own meaning to it. So, this family has my full commitment. However, I know that I cannot do this alone.

All in all, 6 months of marriage it is not always a bed full of roses. However, it is important to count the blessings and make use "the truckload of dung" as Ajahn Brahm calls it, carry it around your pocket and let it stink or use it as a fertilizer.

Here I want to count my blessing in this marriage life.

He has provided me with the liberty to be picky about work I do. I teach only to channel my passion about sharing things that I like and the good news is that I don't have to do it full time. I can use the downtime to write (something I love and rather good at ;p) and who knows where this will lead. Future has been uncertain for me, in term of work, or maybe in all aspect as how life should be, uncertain! :) 

I thank him too for granting all the little things and wishes that I have, the need for beach time, rice field time, spa time and good meal time over the weekend. This might be the biggest little things that I appreciate, the little things.

Lastly, I thank him for being patient with my cooking and hey, I get better with time. =D He used to not eat the strange tasting food I cooked, which at the end I am responsible to finish it), but I think he now learns that for him to eat the most unsavory meal that I prepare means a lot to me. So he eats them now, although I can still tell from his face that he just want to finish that one meal fast. Haha... Okay, I don't like to fail in my experiment in the kitchen too and guilty for serving it. But I can't throw the food away, while many people out there is dying out of hunger. Unless it is something that is very unsalvageable, then no food gets wasted in this house. That's the rule! So, that's great act at his part to bear with it now! (FYI, I serve something good too from time to time, really good ones) =D

However, I hope he learns to wait patiently! He is super bad at these. I don't like to wait too, that's why I get many things done myself rather than waiting for someone to do it. Or at times, when I thing people are just not doing their job and caused delay in the whole process and cause us our time, I will just make my complain heard to the relevant person in charge! No use in getting irritated at yourselves and the situation and worse people around you! However, I know that in life, there will be many things that require us to just wait patiently and nothing else, unavoidable ones, like doctors, queuing in cashier counter, in the restaurant for food, even when accompanying someone to do shopping.  These are the things that are not going to get better. For now, we are waiting to see doctor for ourselves, in the future we are going to wait for a doctor to see one of our family members, and getting sulky about the waiting time, will only make things move a whole lot more slower than it is.

All in all, in our marriage life, both of us need to learn and forgive a lot (the lighter part such as forgiving the unsavory food. haha, the serious one such as the comment we made to each others when we are busy, angry or sick. I think things happen, have seen my parents quarrel, never so bad, but they did and still grow old together happily. So, I hope we can too =D).We too have to learn to understand that things are not always good. It is life, sometimes we are up there and sometime we are down and bruising. I too believe, there is nothing call "time-off" in marriage. Once you take that time off, you are as good as 'fired'. It is like you are leaving a company when it needs you the most. Why does the company have to retain you when you decide to come back only when things get better? They can survive without you in bad times, then they don't need you. Maybe that's the closest analogy (or does it even make any sense?). I am trying to say here it is good that we leave far apart from our relatives. When we quarrel, we have to face each other. We can't run to others to find companies. Third party in a quarrel isn't always good thing. Have witnessed and heard that kind of stories and it doesn't always end well.

I am learning to stop expecting him to do certain things that he is not built up to do, such as receiving a bucket of flowers, candle light dinner or anything that you can expect from a "romantic" man. I have to live with this unromantic man that I married to, that I want to build a family with, and intend to grow old with. The closest thing we do as a couple is buying matching motorbike jacket, that's for practical reason. Blahhh...

Someone said it right I think, that marriage is like filling things (like love, care, forgiveness, kind words, understanding, happiness and many more things) in a box (called home). Sometimes you have to take things out because you need it but you know when you stop putting things in the box and continuously take, the box is going to be empty one day. Simply put: "Give and Take".

We have a long way to go. 6 months is short, we have another 60 yearas ahead of us. =D

 

So Much Love,

Lin ^ ^